Obama: 'I'm Really a Space Cadet when it Comes to the Mideast'
by Gil Ronen
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(IsraelNN.com) United States President Barack Obama admitted, in a special Purim interview for Arutz Sheva, that he “frankly does not have a clue” regarding the psychology of the Middle East and that “a three year old child with some experience in nursery-school power politics could probably understand the Middle East better than [he does].”
"I really am a space cadet when it comes to Middle East," he said.
His mood swung from low to high and back again as he sipped occasionally from the Purim wine that the Arutz Sheva team had brought him. To our surprise, Obama chugged away at the bottle, finishing it before the interview was halfway through and asking for seconds. His mood from that point onward could best be described as “drunkenly sober” – until the end of the interview, when matters took a surprising turn.
ARUTZ SHEVA: Mr. President, as the Jewish people celebrate Purim, we remember our struggle with an evil Persian official named Haman, and look with foreboding at a new Iranian regime that threatens us with destruction too. Can you promise us that the US intends to apply biting sanctions against Iran before it is too late?
PRESIDENT BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA: First of all let me say that I am very much in favor of sanctions that bite. As a matter of fact, I think all sanctions bite. They really do. Sanctions are out! Any form of punitive action against a Muslim country is really counterproductive because Islam is a religion of peace and the US is after all a colonialist power. I was just talking to some old madarassah buddies of mine from Indonesia about this on Facebook.
Suddenly beaming, Obama waves at the camera and exclaims: “Hi Bilal and Japoor! Hope you are watching!” He fondles his wine glass pensively and continues.
BHO: Having said that – we have no intention of abandoning Israel to the wolves, so to speak. I have said before and I will say it again: the United States will not stand idly by as Israel is turned into a radioactive parking lot. If and when Iran uses nuclear weapons against Israel, and if we see that there is serious fallout and hundreds of thousands of people die horrible deaths – we will apply sanctions against the Revolutionary Guards.
AS: What kind of sanctions?
BHO: We have already drawn up a plan for barring the families of Iranian Revolutionary Guardsmen from Disney World and Disney Land. We will not let them in, clear and simple.
AS: What if they cry?
PO: That depends on whether it is a fake cry or a real sobbing, chest-heaving cry. We are not heartless. But we will not allow our ally to be attacked without responding swiftly.
AS: What about EuroDisney? Will they be allowed there?
BHO: Well, we need the European Union for that and we believe that they, too, will be on board. However, EuroDisney isn't that cool anyways. The main thing is Disney World.
AS: And that's it? Hundreds of thousands may die in a nuclear holocaust and the only sanctions will involve theme park access?
BHO: Let me be very clear on this: If Iran uses nuclear weapons on Israel, I personally intend to make a round of appearances on network talk shows, including David Letterman who I remind you is a Jew, and mock out Mahmoud Ahmedinejad. You know how charismatic I can be. I will also tell ACORN volunteers nationwide to 'get in the faces' of Iranian diplomats if they encounter them. This will get ugly.
AS: Well yes, but by then Israel will already be, as you put it, a parking lot.
BHO: Now, you see, a parking lot is actually not a bad thing for the Middle East to have. Everyone needs parking. My problem is not with the parking lot but with the vehicles that park in it. I'm talking about all the SUVs that are so popular in the Gulf states. I would expect cooperation from our allies the Saudis and Emirate sheikhs in making sure that if the Jewish state does become a parking lot, the cars that park there conform to the strictest regulations regarding emissions.
AS: What happened to all your plans for Mideast peace?
BHO: Well let me be frank with you. It turns out I do not have a clue regarding the psychology of the players in the Middle East. The dynamic between Jews and Arabs there turns out to be totally different from Chicago. Recently I have reached the conclusion that a three year old child with some experience in nursery-school power politics could probably understand the Middle East better than me.
With his elbows digging into the Oval Office desk, his ears touching the tips of his scrunched-up shoulders and his face registering a puzzled look, Obama said: “I really am a space cadet when it comes to Middle East.”
AS: So what caused you to be so wrong?
BHO: Well, I knew, based on my experience in Chicago, that Jews are Democrats. So all those years, when I heard that Israel was a democratic country, I figured they meant Israelis were Democrats! Lately I have discovered, however, that there are a lot of Jewish Republicans in Israel as well. This I did not expect. It's weird! And they are so bitter! They just sit there on their ancient land and cling to their Bibles and guns!
AS: Finally sir, do you have a message to convey to the Nation of Israel on Purim?
BHO: Well of course I do. You must always remember that the US is your ally in times of need, and that we will not let you down... wait, I am getting some information on the earphones... what? I am being told that a youth on a hilltop in Judea has just built a dog shed for his puppy. Jim, send me that satellite photo to my PDA, will you? Hi-res! These things make me angry, Arutz Sheva, you know that? I am so upset I could swat a fly on live television. Rahm? Get me this Bibi clown on the phone right now, I am going to give him a piece of my mind. And you guys – Arutz Sheva, Shmeva, get out of my office, now! Shalom!
The President got abusive and incoherent, and the sounds of pointed shoes soles colliding with antique furniture could be heard as the Arutz Sheva team was escorted gruffly out of the Oval Office.
Purim is a holiday on which Jews are expected to get tipsy, wear costumes and do silly things – including posting completely imaginary and false interviews with the President of the United States on news websites that are perfectly serious on all the other days of the year.