It took 12 stitches to sew President Barack Obama’s lips together after he received an elbow to the mouth during a pick-up basketball game at Fort McNair.
The owner of the offending elbow was wrestled to the ground by the president’s bodyguard and is presently in custody. “What charges will be filed against this individual remain to be seen,” said Attorney General Eric Holder. “Attacking the president, even by accident, is a serious matter. We need to make an example that will serve as a warning to others. If the president is driving to the basket you get out of his way and let him score. If the president is guarding you let him steal the ball. This is simple common sense. Those who don’t have it may not be smart enough to be allowed to go free.”
Press Secretary Robert Gibbs sought to reassure the nation that “the president is expected to make a full recovery. Contrary to what some are saying, there is no need for the Vice-President to assume the powers and duties of the office as acting president.”
Others were not so sure. Vice-President Joe Biden assiduously affirmed his willingness to “step into the breach during this most perilous of times. An injury of this nature impairs the President’s ability to communicate with the people of this nation and with the leaders of foreign nations. His mellifluous voice is his greatest asset. Until his full command of it is restored our country will be at risk. It’s time to invoke the 25th Amendment.”
Under the 25th Amendment to the US Constitution, whenever the Vice-President and a majority of the members of the Cabinet declare the President is unable to discharge the powers and duties of his office the Vice-President shall immediately assume these powers and duties as “Acting President.”
A CNN “snap poll” showed that Americans approved of the injury by nearly a two-to-one ratio. “If anybody deserves a shot to the chops it’s Obama,” said one poll respondent. “He’s running this country into the ground. I just wish I’d have been the one to let him have it.”
Another poll respondent averred that “anything that can shut this guy up for even a little while is a blessing. He is the most insufferable blatherer to ever hold the office.”